Families!

As most of you know I was bummed when I recieved my father's reply to my letter. It is this I have been thinking about for a while now and I've come to several conclusions. Heather said that when he called we were fighting about different issues. He thought I was being dramatic and over-reacting to his comment about me not driving to Colorado. Essentially he thought I was asking him to choose between me and Ada. I thought I was asking him to love me, to desire a better relationship, and to try harder to get to know WHO I am. This misunderstanding led me to think hard about my father. I realize now that if I had been asking him to choose between me and Ada, he didn't choose me. That is more than enough to end our relationship, but I wasn't asking him to choose between me and Ada, I was asking him to choose between a relationship with me, or a life without me. He did NOT choose me.

So here are my conclusions...
1.) It doesn't matter what the choices are a parent should ALWAYS choose their children.
2.) Good fathers are like diamonds, very rare, and more often than not... fake.
3.) The moment a person realizes that there is no relationship left... they move on.

As weird as it is for someone who tried so hard for so many years to EARN her father's love, I'm done. The fact that he called me pathetic, pulled all my money, and blamed me for our problems, broke my heart, quite literally in fact. In that moment I realized, I don't have a father.

This isn't to say I don't need his money or his phone, but that my dignity and my emotional health is more important to me. I hope for the best for my sisters and I realize I unjustly put them in the middle of this situation, but for me... I have no father. No matter how many times he tries to call me, no matter what happens, nothing takes back the words that broke my heart. Frankly, I'm not even sad about it anymore. I feel nothing.

I asked my father to love me, to try FOR me, to fight FOR me, and in the end he said I was too old to need it. So... I'm proving him right. I am too old to keep trying, too old to keep fighting a losing battle. He can have Ada, but he'll never hear another word from me. Ever. Heather and Jessica will think I'm overreacting and that I should give him another chance, but I gave him chance after chance and then I gave him this choice. He blew it.

Actually, I'm quite calm, and mom keeps telling me not to say I don't have a father, but honestly... what ever emotional chord was between us ended the moment he started blaming, yelling, and dismissing my feelings and... me.