Dream a little dream...

So I woke up about an hour ago... sobbing. I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but I do know that when I woke I had this overwhelming anxiety.
Nothing is happening here with mom, just doing some more painting, and although I'm feeling much better, my mood is starting to sour. I'm tired of being too tired to go out and enjoy things. Mom says I shouldn't do too much until the doctors say I'm fine, but aside from the tiredness, the anti-epileptic medicine makes me feel completely normal, unless I forget to take it! :P

Despite the fact nothing much is going on here, a lot is going on inside me. I'm not sure what to say... I miss my sisters, my nephews and neices. The separation from my friends, and essentially any sort of life.... is really draining my emotional state. It wasn't so bad a couple days ago, but I'm getting really confused about things. I guess I didn't realize how much I was numbing myself too. Now it's all so painfully real and close. I keep avoiding mom and sneaking into my room. I think I'm worried she's going to ask me about what's going on in my head... and I really don't know.

I miss seeing movies in the theater, I miss walking on Geneva's campus, hanging in the brig, dancing around at Joanie's. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I have a semester off, to collect myself and get healthy, but I really feel like I'm 90% better. I want to spend my time doing things I haven't been able to do for years. I want to drive to Colorado and confront Ada and my father, throwing all my concern for college money aside. Sometimes I feel like he never made any effort to know me, and I want to beg him to show me he loves me. I know he loves me, but it's hard to feel when he only calls to ask about my fiscal responsibilities. Even then he only calls every month or every other month. I miss the dad that used to sing with us in the car, the one who spent so much time teaching my golf, softball, anything I told him I wanted to learn. I miss the dad who made jokes with us about Ada's cooking, and laughed at my jokes. I miss the dad that loved me.

I want to play poker with my grandma, and dance with Rick. (Grandma's boyfriend). I miss the days I used to spend with her, and how we always got KFC and always told dad that I cooked it. Sometimes I don't think she knows I love her, but it's so hard to express all the things that well inside me. I miss my family, and I feel like I never even got to say goodbye.
Perhaps it's the depressed state of mind I have, or the feeling that life is passing me by, but there are so many things I wish I could do.

I wish I could hug the boy that I helped raise for four months, he probably doesn't even really remember how I used to hug him and love him so much it hurt. I miss Heather, and all the ways she could make me smile even if we were currently fighting.

I haven't been to Colorado in almost a year, and I miss all the people I left behind. I feel like I have this time, and I want to use it do everything I couldn't do before. Like actually spend time talking to my father about my life and all the things I want to do, or to be with my grandpa and grandma and really be with them, not just for a night or an hour, but to see them often.

There are five people I miss more than I can take. I miss my twin... I haven't been able to spend real time with her in almost a year, I haven't actually talked to her about our lives in more than that. I miss Caleb, he was just saying my name when I left and am really scared that he'll forget me. I miss Anna, she was so sweet and tried so hard to get me all to herself. I miss the way we would read before her naps, and she would fall asleep holding on to me. I miss Eric, he kept me young. I remember dancing with him, and hearing him laugh as he chased me across the house. How can someone so little fill me with such love? Sometimes I stare at their pictures and remember play-dough, and musical chairs, and adventures.... I miss them so much. I miss Zen, I remember waking up to the sound of his morning TV shows. Holding him as he watched, or coming home and playing with him on the carpet, even falling asleep with him in my arms on the couch. I really miss Zen... The last time I saw him he was so small compared to Eric and Anna, I just wish I could hug him until this ache goes away...

Family: I hope that my absence never makes you think I don't love you. I deeply love you guys. Sometimes I stare at photos and remember the days when things were so simple.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep, and maybe the light of morning will change this outlook.
When my health gets better, I will visit everyone. I just wish I could speed up the doctors schedules.

Goodnight, and VERY much love.
Sara.

Hey Guys.

I keep reminding myself to write, but there's really nothing to write about. Pretty boring here, but it's been fun all the same. Mom says people get sick sometimes because their soul is sick. I'm not sure if that's the case or not, because I've had doctors tell me my blood pressure drops (30points) when I stand, and my vision problems are actually visible to the doctor, but I think I felt sick in my soul too.
I just needed a break. Even Christmas doesn't give a person enough time to really take a hold of their life again. But on the soul front I'm doing good, better than I have in a long time. I think I really needed this. All this time has given me a lot of time to think about my life and I realized I didn't really like it so far. I'm working hard to change, but I just feel better these last couple weeks. Headaches are less frequent, tiredness I'm getting used to, and the dizziness is almost completely gone.

I miss everyone so much. I'm not sure what else to say but that I can't wait for a chance to take mom out on mother's day. I really miss.... spending the day with her, outside, where reality still exists.

Love you all.

Sara