Insanity Is Hereditary

Update

2009-10-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

Still working... feeling better...

Since I got sick, I used all my savings to see the doctor and get chest X-Rays and medicine... but I'm feeling better.

I just have bills to pay, and hated that I needed to see a doctor.

Oooh update. Starting next week I will officially be a night waitress, which doubles how much money I'll make. This week I'll still be morning shift, (35-40 a day) but next week I'll work only nights. (80-130) so I'm excited.

Waitressing...

2009-09-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well the work is harder than I thought it would be, and it pays less than I thought it would, but it was only my first day. Turns out I had monday off, which wasn't that awesome because it was a holiday and people who worked that day made great money.

Today was so frustrating that two girls quit and we got saddled with even more tables than we could handle and because people kept coming in and filling it up and I couldn't get to them right away, or get them what they wanted right away... I didn't get very good tips.

But tomorrow is another day and I can't wait to try again. I've made a lot of friends and although it's hard and today wasn't all that good (I barely made minimum wage) I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

I didn't know your feet could actually go numb from pain... weird what being a waitress can teach you.

Also, I broke dishes, lost the hot pads behind the stove, slipped on water, spilled HOT coffee on my chest, and managed to mess up at least three tables worth of orders....

So in the long run Today wasn't that great, but maybe tomorrow will be.

I have to get used to doing things even if it's hard, and who says evereyone loves their jobs? (besides the first day is always the worst.)

Hey Guys

2009-08-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hehe... Long time no post.

So I'm working at Cracker Barrel and I've been in training for SEVERAL days.... no wonder they were voted best family restaurant for 20 years in a row...

I'm still going to be doing training M-F until the 7th when the store opens. Then I will be a real waitress...

So I have been memorizing there menu and there are things they don't tell you. The biscuits and gravy meal.... is an ALL YOU CAN EAT... they will refill it as many times as you want. But you have to ask.

Or like you can ask for more Jelly but unless you do, they won't give it to you.

There were others but I can't think of them now... I just drooled over the biscuits and gravy thing.

So I gave out this blog address one more time, and I can still count all the people who read it on my fingers.... Mom, Jess, HE-do, Joanie, DK, (maybe) Kat, now Dad, and Kelly

Hi Dad Hi Kelly....

Truthfully I don't post much because nothing is really going on in my life so far, but here are my plans....

Work at Cracker Barrel for a year.... (Hopefully like 6-7 months) then transfer to one in Colorado so I can be a Colorado resident, then come August.... return to school as CSU Fort Collins.

So that's the plan...

I was also idly thinking about a trip to PA to see my nephews and niece, sister, brother, and some friends....

A VIDEO BLOG

2009-04-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

I forgot Kat also read this blog, so here's to family and friends!!!!

Make sure my nephews and niece see this ok people?

Just Thinking...

2009-04-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

So I was watching this show called Tru Calling. it's all about this girl who when she sees a dead body it asks for her help and the day restarts so she can save their lives.

Anyway, there was this episode where the day would keep restarting over and over, because there was one person she was supposed to save that she didn't. There was a little girl who needed a heart badly, and turns out after saving a store owner, a boy, the father of the sick girl, and again the father, she realizes that the father was supposed to die and give his heart to the little girl.

It made me think. A lot. About what I would give to save someone I loved. Truthfully, I would die to save them too. But I think the truest test of love is doing something you hate, really hate, to ensure that they benefit from it. I'm scared of going in the navy. I never really stick to anything I say I'll do and I hate having to do the same thing over and over, and with my siblings both reaching five or six years to graduate college I could do what I want and mooch off my parents and stay in school... but maybe, despite how hard the navy will be, and despite how it contradicts everything I really am, maybe enduring through it, just so there isn't more debt on mom... so there isn't another couple thousand that I'll beg off dad, maybe no matter if I'm scared of it, or nervous, or whether it might be the worst thing for me... it's the right choice.

I know there are a lot of benefits for me, but there are more just mooching off my parents and doing whatever I want.

So maybe I have grown up, even just a little. Just enough to realize that maybe to help the people I love, I will do what I fear, what I know will be hard, and what I may or may not want to do.

Just thoughts....

Sara

PS I fixed it so people without a blogspot ID can leave comments... Love you mom.

2009-04-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

ok so updates....

well there really isn't much to update. I'm still trying to work out and eat right. The last couple days I haven't really been doing it though. It's just that I finally got the fable 2 game and xbox 360 console with my paycheck, and yes, I did pay my bills.... I just have to remember to mail them. That's what I did with my days off, and I go back into the fray bright and early tomorrow morning.

I miss you guys, you too DK (a friend who reads this blog... the only non family reader.)

I hope all is going well, but from talking to everyone it seems like it's been a bad start to the month, whether it was 3 year old Zen watching a murder (possibly) or the trouble with mom's divorce and house buying stuff.... I think we all need to remember that we WILL get through this period. Time is a strange beast. One day can seem like a lifetime (if you work at a zoo) and one day can seem like a drop in the bucket. Remember, it probably seems like a drop to mom when the trains were the hieght of technology.

I love you Joan. Remember that.

Love you Heather, Mom, and J-J (don't be mad about fable you'll be here soon!)

2009-03-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

OK....

Apparently I misunderstood the situation with mom and her co workers. Mom wants me to say that she is definately NOT betraying anyone.... though it sounded like it when she first told me.

The zoo is busy, and fun, but I'm going to be putting in ten hour days everyday for the next two weeks. (Spring break) Apparently people want to go to the zoo then.... but the last three days has been cold, (42 degrees), wet, nonstop rain, and people who don't understand that no, the carousel ride is not free. IT IS A DOLLAR! One, just one, Dollar. No, kids do not ride free if they are under the size requirement. THEY DO NOT RIDE AT ALL.

of course there have only been about ten riders in the last three days due to the rain, temperature, and the cost.

I hope I'm not getting sick from being outside everyday in the cold, but it does wear a person out.

Life is backwards....

2009-03-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

I just realized everything is completely backwards.... I'm posting, Joanie isn't...
Heather and Zen are.... Joanie isn't.
I'm joining the Navy... eventually.... I was going to join the Peace Corps....
Jessica is in the best of shape and I'm trying very hard....
Joanie and Chad have a big secret... (that in itself is surprising.)
finally.... mom's boss is asking her to betray her coworkers.... and she just might....

When did life turn around?

An Old video I found...

2009-03-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Hey All

2009-03-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Hey Heather, that was SOOO CUTE!!! I miss you guys like crazy.

I know I haven't written much but there's not much to write... but I guess it couldn't hurt to lay down a bunch of simple facts.... ok...

1.) I'm about 3 grand in debt... so I got a job for the time being. AT THE HOUSTON ZOO!!! (I'll be running the carousel ride for kids. Apparently they thought I would do wonderful with kids.)
2.) I have to find the doctor that diagnosed me with hypothyroidism for the navy.... only mom and I don't know which doctor it was, and all the doctors we do remember didn't diagnose it. So... I'm talking to my insurance companies trying to find who I was seeing back then.
3.) I just got over the flu... I'm feeling better, but I slept most of thursday, friday, and Saturday.
4.) There's a huge carnival going on... but it's really crowded so... I'm waiting.
5.) Debt collectors call me everyday, and they're pretty pushy about it.
6.) I took a brief hiatus from the gym and now I can't do 17 push ups.... (I think I'm just tired from being sick)
7.) Despite how much I workout.... I only lost about ten pounds..... I need another five for the navy.
8.) Mom and I are good... but I wish I knew some people my own age down here. (the people at the gym are far older than me...)
9.) I was supposed to start work on monday... but they haven't called so I'm not really sure when I'm going to start... but at least the debt collectors will now be able to garnish my wages...
10.) I have to start paying back student loans in a month.... so.... that add to the already accumulated debt....

11.) In conclusion.... life is not ideal.

2009-02-28T21:00:00.003-08:00

I DID 17 PUSH UPS TODAY!!!! The working out is paying off! I could only do five before... now I can do 17!!!!!

YaY!! (mom watched so yes I really did it)

Hey All

2009-02-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, there is literally NOTHING happening on my end. I'm looking for jobs in the meantime (of the Navy waiting) I'm going to the gym, and... waiting.... I think that's how they tell who's fit to be in the Navy, they make em wait and whoever can wait the longest WINS....

I can't really wait. Debt collectors call me all the time... I have no job, no money, my car's breaking down... and I need something to do other than just go to the gym and come home and watch tv... on the brightside I can do fifteen push ups and 40 sit ups.... which aren't as easy as they sound. And yes... full body push ups. Not women push ups. It's hard and my muscles ache every day... but here I am.... waiting. I think I'll try harder to get a job, or to get them moving tomorrow... this life of waiting is really really annoying.

Hey

2009-02-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Hi all! Joan sorry I missed your call, I forgot to call you back, but I will tomorrow.

So Navy recruiter should have all the med paperwork on or by tuesday which means that the next day I'll be going in for a physical... wish me luck.

So... not much to say but things are going well. Just chilling with my Mommykins and missing my nephews and nieces like CRAZY! I miss them so much it's insane.
Eric I hope your being good for mommy and daddy.
Anna, just remember you're my special princess.
Caleb, I hope you know how much I miss you my little guitar hero.
Joan and Chad, I miss you guys a lot. I will let you know if and when I learn anything.

2009-02-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

Yo....

Okay so here's what happened with the recruiter. He sent me in for the intelligence test on Tuesday but we had to wait for medical documentation to do the physical. As for the IQ test let's just say that I scored more than my recruiter and his boss... combined. I got the highest test my recruiter ever saw and out of 99 points I got a 96.... so needless to say he was very happy. Hopefully the medical stuff should be done by today meaning that tomorrow I will be involved in a grueling physical. I just want it done so that I can know whether or not I can get in already.

so there's all I know.

Talks

2009-01-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

Things, things, things to think about....

I'm going to the Naval recruiter on Monday people, but tonight I intend to tell you what Mom and I just discussed. We talked about when she dies what will happen... and I got to thinking, Joanie has her family, Heather has Zen, Jessica has her school in Japan, Brian has his kids and Jessica, everyone has something to stabilize them when it happens... but right now I don't. She kinda is my world and it's hard to realize someday she won't be around. I'm not crying, I'm not upset but it sucks because I just never really thought about it before. I guess I never thought it was possible for her to not be around. Soon she'll be 56, (in May), and I guess it's not that far away, but one thought that comforts me is that her parents and grandparents despite physical problems have lived quite a long time, maybe she'll live a long time too. I hope so. Everyone but Jess and I have seen her hold their children, meet spouses, go to weddings... but by the time that happens for me or Jess she might not still be here. Joanie was 29 when she got married, I'm eight years from there, and Mom'll be 64 by that time. I guess I just worry because I think at this current time I need her the most. Not that you guys don't love and need her, but I need her the most. I guess all I can do is pray that she'll be around long enough for me to get to a point where I could handle it.

And as much as I love Mom, if anyone else I loved died... I would feel the same way. I am one of the few grown up sisters Joanie got to know, the only Twin Jessi has, and the most like Heather. I would miss you all, not to mention my nephews and nieces. But enough thoughts of death.... the only thing they're good for is putting priorities in place.

I love you guys a lot. I'm doing well and exercising a whole lot. I'm working hard and Monday I'll be going in to enlist. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Hey

2009-01-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

Ok so today I've done a LOT....

I went on the treadmill for a half an hour, bike for ten, then lifted weights. When I got home I burned around 150 cal on DDR, then went to the ICY pool at mom's complex. Whew.... I'm beat.

This is just to let everyone know I'm doing well and enjoying the nice weather.

Sara

PS I fell and scraped my face and that's why my face looks so messed up in the video below. I'll post a new picture soon...

Happy Birthday to US!

2008-12-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, baby Sis! Love you too Mom!

[Error code 874735 Video disabled]

Meh....

2008-10-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ok I'll try to make this a habit, so here goes...

Today I went to bed at 12 30 am, woke up at 330 am with a horrible nightmare, then I went back to sleep around 430, got up at 620am and studied even moree for my midterm... which I am pleased to say I only think I missed two questions. I knew almost every other answer.
After my classes were done I watched a couple movies and did my laundry. I'm proud that I remembered and now have clean clothes. Since then I skipped dinner, caught up on Heroes, and The Office and watched another badly made movie. I did however have a handful of pepperoni I kept in my fridge. I'm tired and cranky and I wish I could blame PMS. Because I've said I had it for a week now, and I'm cramping, tired bloated, headachy, and deffinately not on my period....

This is frustrating because either I'm getting sick, or my body is out of whack, both of which I don't really want to deal with... It could be the lack of sleep, or the fact that I would sleep all day given the chance... (I miss my 21 nap!) But I'm perservering. And my teacher told me that my neice was in all likelyhood a genius.

that's all for tonight I love you

Ok... Summary.

2008-10-20T16:56:00.000-07:00

Life is going well, I'm going to divide my life into three sections: social life, School life, and Health.

I have made a lot of friends this year that have been steering me in the right direction. There names are Tony, Jordan, Josh, Mike Neal, Hannah, and Rebecca. I spend almost all of my time with them and I've never been happier. I do admit I slightly have a crush on Tony, but that's only because he wants to travel and loves other cultures and he tells the worst jokes I've evere heard! It's amazing how similar we are without trying. he has introduced me to the world of BAD kung fu movies. Now everyone knows about them but few have seen them. I watch them all the time with his roommates. It's hilarious. The fights are filmed different timess of the day and the action sequences are out of order and the dialoge is sometimes donee by irish and scottish actors.
I'm also recently seen clash of the Titans, flash Gordon, and Tron. Needless to say it's nice to be around people who laugh a lot! No more drama queens (except me).

School is going good. I'm doing quite well. My teacher asked me to be her assistant next semester! I know I don't have a good track record of going to class or doinng homework... but you'd be so proud of me, I'm doing amazing. I've hardly missed class in several weeks. I have a 93.33333334% in Humanities, a 88% in Communication Disorders (the second highest grade in the class), 97% in Phonetics, 90% in Bible, and I have a 93.5% in Communications, and I don't know what my grade is in Natural Lang Acquisition... but I think it's good too. 18 credits has me always busy. If it isn't my social life, it's my school life that has me wrapped up.

Health wise, I'm doing well, or better. I have only had two migranes so far, and I've dropped tons of weight. I'm fitting in the clothes that I wore before college. So that has me excited, but today I'm soo tired. PMS is killing me. My face is broken out, and my clothes fit again, and it's really testing my will. I quit smoking today... again... but I hope this time it sticks because I really want to be healthier. Mentally, I am getting a psych evaluation on friday because my therapist thinks I'm really really bipolar. She told me once that I seemed to control my actions fairly well and I laughed. She said that bipolar people sometimes feel that they HAVE to do their crazy ideas, not they WANT to do them and do them, but it feels like you're going to die if you don't. Which explains a lot of stupid ideas I've done. I'm getting a psychiatrist appointment and I will soon be OVERLY tested for any mental disease or defect. Emotionally, I miss my twin. Sometimes I just stare at her picture and smile because she's achieving her dreams. I'm just so proud of her. I miss my mommy and I miss having time when the kiddos are awake. I’m always busy until about 7, then free, which is sad because I know they miss me and I miss them.

being a Junior is deffinately harder than being a freshman. I feel like I'm trying so hard this semester and my grades are proof huh? Kay well I have a big text tomorrow. It's my midterm so I'm going to study. I will try to remember to post more. I'm putting a reminder in my phone. I love you guys and I miss you horribly.

Just curious....

2008-09-27T18:30:00.001-07:00

K... I'm really curious, does anyone really check this?

If you do, I'll post more, but if you don't then I don't have to....

leave a comment with your name if you check this.... Please.

Halloween comes early!

2008-07-10T03:32:00.000-07:00

I did manage to get it on here... takes a while to download things to this site though...

Like it?

(All done with photos from my cellphone... but the reason it's not so good is because I had to compress it to fit on this site.)

Turned out to have more Eric than anticipated but it's all good because I have SUCH cute kiddos for relatives.... Man I will embarass them so much when they're older! I can't wait!

Missing the kiddos!

Sara

And for more Amazing Footage...

2008-07-10T01:21:00.001-07:00

As we promised movie go-ers today the Action heats up!

Caleb Bee is a VERY Promising dancer, singer, and music expert. In the Film were are going to watch today, he will show us common folk how to pick the right song, and groove to the beat. He wants us to mention he was the leading role in the film, Move over Da'tara! and was assisted by EJ, a close personal friend.

Step One: Pick a good CD
Step Two: Open the CD Player (it is usually harder than it looks)
Step Three: If you can't open it, get someone else to do it for you.
Step Four: Change the CD unless you liked the music it was already making.
Step Five: Close the CD player
Step Six: Press buttons until you find your song.
Step Seven: DANCE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!
(Tm Caleb Dance Studios)

Unfortunately fans, Anna Bee's movie, Halloween: Pumpkins and Bumblebees, was delayed due to international movie rights suspension. This however will not deter movie go-ers, but will offset the initial premiere date. Also starring in this film is EJ, a renouned actor who prefers to spend his time learning more about the world around him.

On a similar note. We here at the Insanityishereditary website will be holding auditions for an up and coming movie about Cinderella. Any person wishing to submit their names, may email their video audition to Sara, founder and chairman of the board.

Specifically we are looking for persons to play:

Cinderella, (Open to any persons small, male or female, dressed up like Cinderella)

The Fairy Godmother,

The Prince,

Cinderella's Father,

Cinderella's Stepsisters,

and The evil Step mother. (Preferably a woman with more than ten years under her belt.)

WORLD DEBUT!!!!!

2008-07-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO THE WORLD PREMIERE!!!!

Sara's personal collection of cute movies....

Starring... E-J, a smart sophisticated young man from a small town... He has been seen in such short films like Move Over Da'tara! He has also been seen in GQ: The Secret Life of Preschoolers... He would like us to mention that he will also be starring in GQ: Kindergarten, the Next Level, and in a feature film TBA, where he will play a Soccar star!

CO-STARRING: AnnaBee. She is a small town girl living in a big world. Although her stature may be short, her enthusiam is extreme. She enjoys Action movies, cookies, and ice cubes. She tries to hold on to childhood dreams of princes and damsels. She is very excited to announce her movie to premiere next week called Halloween: pumpkins and bumblebees.

TOMORROW: CALEB BEE, a talented musician with a tendency for AMAZING dance moves... look out John Travolta....

Harder than it looks.

2008-07-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so OFFICIALLY..... making a puppet show is much harder than it looks. My laptop only records for a few seconds before freezing, and my personal camcorder is something I can't run and act puppets with....

Jessi is busy writing... so.... I have to think about this some more.... yup....

I have the puppets, the story, and no way to show it....

REMINDER, never brag about doing something unless you're fully ready to do it right then. .....

AREHDGOGH ipghlksfhg;flksdhakjsdah;lkhj'pseigf

^keyboard frustration.....

2008-06-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

Hey not much to say on my end, boring days followed by boring nights.... Missing my friends and family....

Families!

2008-05-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I was bummed when I recieved my father's reply to my letter. It is this I have been thinking about for a while now and I've come to several conclusions. Heather said that when he called we were fighting about different issues. He thought I was being dramatic and over-reacting to his comment about me not driving to Colorado. Essentially he thought I was asking him to choose between me and Ada. I thought I was asking him to love me, to desire a better relationship, and to try harder to get to know WHO I am. This misunderstanding led me to think hard about my father. I realize now that if I had been asking him to choose between me and Ada, he didn't choose me. That is more than enough to end our relationship, but I wasn't asking him to choose between me and Ada, I was asking him to choose between a relationship with me, or a life without me. He did NOT choose me.

So here are my conclusions...
1.) It doesn't matter what the choices are a parent should ALWAYS choose their children.
2.) Good fathers are like diamonds, very rare, and more often than not... fake.
3.) The moment a person realizes that there is no relationship left... they move on.

As weird as it is for someone who tried so hard for so many years to EARN her father's love, I'm done. The fact that he called me pathetic, pulled all my money, and blamed me for our problems, broke my heart, quite literally in fact. In that moment I realized, I don't have a father.

This isn't to say I don't need his money or his phone, but that my dignity and my emotional health is more important to me. I hope for the best for my sisters and I realize I unjustly put them in the middle of this situation, but for me... I have no father. No matter how many times he tries to call me, no matter what happens, nothing takes back the words that broke my heart. Frankly, I'm not even sad about it anymore. I feel nothing.

I asked my father to love me, to try FOR me, to fight FOR me, and in the end he said I was too old to need it. So... I'm proving him right. I am too old to keep trying, too old to keep fighting a losing battle. He can have Ada, but he'll never hear another word from me. Ever. Heather and Jessica will think I'm overreacting and that I should give him another chance, but I gave him chance after chance and then I gave him this choice. He blew it.

Actually, I'm quite calm, and mom keeps telling me not to say I don't have a father, but honestly... what ever emotional chord was between us ended the moment he started blaming, yelling, and dismissing my feelings and... me.

Dream a little dream...

2008-04-15T03:22:00.000-07:00

So I woke up about an hour ago... sobbing. I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but I do know that when I woke I had this overwhelming anxiety.
Nothing is happening here with mom, just doing some more painting, and although I'm feeling much better, my mood is starting to sour. I'm tired of being too tired to go out and enjoy things. Mom says I shouldn't do too much until the doctors say I'm fine, but aside from the tiredness, the anti-epileptic medicine makes me feel completely normal, unless I forget to take it! :P

Despite the fact nothing much is going on here, a lot is going on inside me. I'm not sure what to say... I miss my sisters, my nephews and neices. The separation from my friends, and essentially any sort of life.... is really draining my emotional state. It wasn't so bad a couple days ago, but I'm getting really confused about things. I guess I didn't realize how much I was numbing myself too. Now it's all so painfully real and close. I keep avoiding mom and sneaking into my room. I think I'm worried she's going to ask me about what's going on in my head... and I really don't know.

I miss seeing movies in the theater, I miss walking on Geneva's campus, hanging in the brig, dancing around at Joanie's. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I have a semester off, to collect myself and get healthy, but I really feel like I'm 90% better. I want to spend my time doing things I haven't been able to do for years. I want to drive to Colorado and confront Ada and my father, throwing all my concern for college money aside. Sometimes I feel like he never made any effort to know me, and I want to beg him to show me he loves me. I know he loves me, but it's hard to feel when he only calls to ask about my fiscal responsibilities. Even then he only calls every month or every other month. I miss the dad that used to sing with us in the car, the one who spent so much time teaching my golf, softball, anything I told him I wanted to learn. I miss the dad who made jokes with us about Ada's cooking, and laughed at my jokes. I miss the dad that loved me.

I want to play poker with my grandma, and dance with Rick. (Grandma's boyfriend). I miss the days I used to spend with her, and how we always got KFC and always told dad that I cooked it. Sometimes I don't think she knows I love her, but it's so hard to express all the things that well inside me. I miss my family, and I feel like I never even got to say goodbye.
Perhaps it's the depressed state of mind I have, or the feeling that life is passing me by, but there are so many things I wish I could do.

I wish I could hug the boy that I helped raise for four months, he probably doesn't even really remember how I used to hug him and love him so much it hurt. I miss Heather, and all the ways she could make me smile even if we were currently fighting.

I haven't been to Colorado in almost a year, and I miss all the people I left behind. I feel like I have this time, and I want to use it do everything I couldn't do before. Like actually spend time talking to my father about my life and all the things I want to do, or to be with my grandpa and grandma and really be with them, not just for a night or an hour, but to see them often.

There are five people I miss more than I can take. I miss my twin... I haven't been able to spend real time with her in almost a year, I haven't actually talked to her about our lives in more than that. I miss Caleb, he was just saying my name when I left and am really scared that he'll forget me. I miss Anna, she was so sweet and tried so hard to get me all to herself. I miss the way we would read before her naps, and she would fall asleep holding on to me. I miss Eric, he kept me young. I remember dancing with him, and hearing him laugh as he chased me across the house. How can someone so little fill me with such love? Sometimes I stare at their pictures and remember play-dough, and musical chairs, and adventures.... I miss them so much. I miss Zen, I remember waking up to the sound of his morning TV shows. Holding him as he watched, or coming home and playing with him on the carpet, even falling asleep with him in my arms on the couch. I really miss Zen... The last time I saw him he was so small compared to Eric and Anna, I just wish I could hug him until this ache goes away...

Family: I hope that my absence never makes you think I don't love you. I deeply love you guys. Sometimes I stare at photos and remember the days when things were so simple.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep, and maybe the light of morning will change this outlook.
When my health gets better, I will visit everyone. I just wish I could speed up the doctors schedules.

Goodnight, and VERY much love.
Sara.

Hey Guys.

2008-04-04T22:15:00.001-07:00

I keep reminding myself to write, but there's really nothing to write about. Pretty boring here, but it's been fun all the same. Mom says people get sick sometimes because their soul is sick. I'm not sure if that's the case or not, because I've had doctors tell me my blood pressure drops (30points) when I stand, and my vision problems are actually visible to the doctor, but I think I felt sick in my soul too.
I just needed a break. Even Christmas doesn't give a person enough time to really take a hold of their life again. But on the soul front I'm doing good, better than I have in a long time. I think I really needed this. All this time has given me a lot of time to think about my life and I realized I didn't really like it so far. I'm working hard to change, but I just feel better these last couple weeks. Headaches are less frequent, tiredness I'm getting used to, and the dizziness is almost completely gone.

I miss everyone so much. I'm not sure what else to say but that I can't wait for a chance to take mom out on mother's day. I really miss.... spending the day with her, outside, where reality still exists.

Love you all.

Sara

Hey Family.

2008-03-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

Not much to say. David is staying here, and it's getting... boring. He doesn't seem to get I can't do a lot of things. He sits around here and doesn't like what I watch, so we don't watch anything and I don't know what to say to him. So it's really aggrivating. He got here and didn't know what he was going to do... and his plans that he made after getting here fell through so I guess he's more bummed than even I am.

I'm currently on anti-epileptic meds. Apparently they're used for migranes and tremors. The only REALLY sucky part is that the day before my period the doctor says I'm not suppossed to take any more pain medicine... AT ALL. I'm in a very grumpy, very tired, and very SICK of being sick mood.

Doctors....

2008-03-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

So I have another Doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm half ready to tell them to rip out my thyroid. I'm done dealing with it, but at the same time I don't want to have unnecessary surgery. I am just not sure what to do. The pills they gave me were supposed to fight my dizziness and nausea, but they made my hands shake so bad I couldn't hold things.... I don't know anymore. I stopped taking that medicine, and I'm just at my wits end about all the things going on. I mean I'm definately sick... I just wish I knew more....

CSI

2008-03-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

ok so I have had a hard time focsing lately... pretty much on anything. But last night I WROTE for the first time in months and months. I'm excited. I decided exactly what I wanted to write. I am writing a book called, Can You Solve My Murder?

Pretty much I just write out scenarios, give witness statements, crime scene reports, Corner's reports, and you have to figure out what happened and who did it. It's going pretty good, mom's helping me with a few kinks in the system. I know what happened so having her figure it out with only the clues is pretty fun for both of us.

I'm grateful for.... families, and big surprise endings! ;)

Out of curiousity, would any of you buy a book like that? I think I would.

TV time... is extended today...

2008-03-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

My mom and I are watching some travel shows, particularly one right now about the Holy Lands. There are so many things I didn't know. Like did you know that where Sodom and Gamorrah(?) stand there is a salt pillar in the shape of a woman? It's right near the Dead Sea.

It's a pretty cool show. But what else to say?

It's raining today and we're just staying calmly at home.... again. It's not that I want to do anything else, but I wish there was something I wanted to do.

I'm grateful today for Pepto Bismal, Mommies, and the theological conversations that follow shows such as this.

Dear Abby, I always wanted to write you.

2008-03-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Abby,

I should tell you that this is my first real blog.

Most of my family will be wondering what I'm doing up so late, especially since I've been going to bed around midnight and no later, but problems arose and I'm waiting for problems to desist. (My stomach is afraid of the dark I think... Everytime I turn out the lights, there it goes, crying for relief from the porclein necklace I've been wearing the last couple hours.)

I should probably let you guys know before you see me buying flashy cars I can't afford and dying my hair several times a year.... I'm having a mid-mid-life crisis, what does that mean? Well it means I'm too young and poor for the cars, too young for all the hair dye, but old enough to feel like I'm completely lost in my life. I used to be the girl full of life and fun ideas... now I'm the girl that sleeps all day and hasn't the focus to do anything.

I've been a shut in pretty much since I came out here, and frankly I'm almost ready to pretend I'm fine just to feel like I'm doing something with my life. I sleep too much, pass out, have severe headaches, an afraid of the dark stomach, and now to add to the list, the shakes.

Mom's not locking me under house arrest, but rather I'm not up to doing anything lately. It gets to the point that I'll make up tasks to do just so I can go out on short trips. I miss my friends, my sister, I miss being the AWESOMELY COOL Auntie! (And I am a pretty cool auntie... DARN COOL!)

So what's the point of the blog? Well... I didn't really think about that. But heck, if I can make old woman jokes and plan HUGE pran--surprises for her, it's kinda worth it.

Sick in (Why can't Houston start with an S? Make it easy on me... No wait... I can do this...)

Howling in Houston....

*Miss you guys.